“THE PERFECT MATCH”
or
why single bunnies get depressed

By Nina Rodrigues, MFT

AS any animal shelter worker can tell you, bunnies need grouping. The English psychoanalyst, John Bowlby (1907-1990), reminds us that the same goes for human beings, but with a different catch! He conceptualized his findings in his famous “theory of attachment”. This paper can help explain to those who find themselves chronically alone, and who are desperately in search of -- but unable to find -- their “perfect match”, why dating services per se do not work, and to help them to outline for themselves the necessary ground-work that can facilitate their ultimate goals in life.
Several years of experience as a psychotherapist have taught me that social isolation can be a very serious and debilitating condition. It can express itself in different ways, and levels of intensity. I have met with the “outgoing”, the “entertainer” who cannot find or maintain intimacy; I have also seen the “shy” who, although living as a couple, depends only on his/her partner for “socializing”, thus creating anxiety and helplessness in their relationships. From shyness to social phobia, from being occasionally avoidant to more profound states of unrelateness, people also vary in their sense of comfort and acceptance of their conditions, and in their ways of coping. In general, though, people feel uneasy, lonely, depressed, and eventually look for help.
My work as a psychoanalytically oriented psychotherapist is to provide understanding as well as safety, within a nurturing enough framework, where “connectness” can develop between patient and therapist. Eventually the patient will be carrying out to the real world the new experience of his/her therapeutic relationship. All sorts of issues are dealt with, and work through in psychotherapy. Think of psychotherapy more as a process, an experience rather than as a treatment. Let’s look at what the socially isolated, depressed/anxious person brings to his/her therapeutic relationship. This person’s experience usually indicates an unconscious fear of loss, in most cases, due to very early losses (or threats of losses) that have never been dealt with, for one reason or another. Unable to consciously face -- thus grieve -- the primary loss, to feel angry and sad for that loss, the person tends to unconsciously avoid connecting; however, feelings of loneliness can drive the person to compulsively pursue connecting -- but in vain, because the fear of loss still lives in blind spots, unconsciously. It’s like in a “catch 22” situation. Psychotherapists are very familiar with these types of dilemmas which are played out in relationships with their patients.
Unlike traditional psychoanalytic theories, which for the most part are drawn from the psychodynamics being observed in the analytic encounter described above, John Bowlby’s “theory of attachment” is based on substantial empirical studies utilizing other disciplines, such as biology, ethnology, and anthropology. Between 1969 and 1980, Bowlby wrote extensively on attachment and loss (1). What he called “attachment” is the actual instinctual drive towards one’s mother (or any other early intimate connection), and later, towards one’s group: family, friends, society. Bowlby’s “attachment” is not learned, but “wired” -- or pre adapted to the human environment. Just like with bunnies. When loss happens, “detachment” takes over, which according to him is the ultimate defensive strategy that deactivates -- or compromises -- the need for “attachment”.
Unlike bunnies, who might become simply depressed, human beings are capable of defending themselves against feelings of loss... by isolating, “forgetting”, blaming others, self-destructing, etc. Bowlby maintained that “the level of one’s self-confidence (in the availability of attachment figures, ultimately), as well as of one’s anxieties (rooted in the possibility of separation from attachment figures)are indications of the quality of one’s early attachments” (Mitchell: pages 136-37)(2).
I’m convinced that psychoanalytic work helps people to uncover their fears, deal with their issues of “abandonment”, feel safer in the world, and live less inhibited, more productive lives. However, I do recommend additional work outside the therapist’s office, particularly if you are visiting your therapist just once or twice a week. I do encourage my clients to make an effort to pursue and maintain a certain level of connection to the real world while in treatment with me. Gently, but firmly, I coach my clients in expanding their social network as much as they can, as I noticed that people can also benefit from some gradual exposure to their fears if they feel supported by the analytic experience. I can even recommend that they use a dating service, but never as an end in itself, but mainly as an exercise, and in combination with other activities and treatment modalities -- and I’ll explain why.
Many people I know have a fantasy that goes more or less like this:
“if and when I find my match, everything else will be all right...” And they go for what they believe is missing. However, as I explained above, things are a lot more complex. If one’s sense of self-confidence has been compromised, in the way John Bowlby claimed, what is really missing is probably something else... and this “something else” might be right inside oneself -- hidden, “sleeping”, in pain. I would suggest that this person’s fantasy represents a wish for what has been lost in the first place -- a “substitute”, a “cure” for the primary wound, nothing really, but a “wish”. In cases like these, I would recommend the following approaches.
Before any action is taken, listen to your wish with attention, carefully. Then, take a deep breath before looking at your fears. The best place to do this kind of work is at your therapist’s office. You might also want to consult with a psychiatrist about the usefulness of medications. There are certain types of medications that can help with social fear, and with other undesirable behaviors, such as eating too much or too little, drinking too much, etc. But the medication should be just a stepping stone, always in combination with psychotherapy -- the process of changing can only take place in relational experiences. As you gain a new sense of safety, you might want to take advantage of it by building for yourself a network of social activities, such as sports, travel groups, classes, creative activities, club memberships, volunteering, self-help groups, performing, etc. I recommend particularly team work activities, such as rock climbing, camping, etc. The objective is the building up of a network of support in the long run and, in the process, develop a sense of trust in others. As you feel less isolated, you will feel increasingly goal oriented, active, open. But still you crave intimacy... and it’s not happening for you. Why not?
How about checking into a dating service at this point? Despite of becoming more aware of your shortcomings in relationships, you might be actually becoming less “detached”(remember Bowlby?). After all, you have been experiencing substantial changes in the ways you have been relating to your therapist. Continue the hard work, and never stop listening to what’s inside... cry for your losses, and be kind to yourself.

Footnotes/references:
(1) Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: BasicBooks.
Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 2.
Separation: Anxiety and Anger. New York: BasicBooks.
Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 3.
Sadness and Depression. New York: BasicBooks.
(2) Stephen A. Mitchell and Margaret J. Black (1995).
Freud and Beyond: a History of Psychoanalytic Thought. New York: BB